Posted Tuesday 07/27/2010 4:00 PM in Stupid Fun by Maxim Staff

Filed under: sex, hotass read, sexercise, condoms, sex our bodies our junk, maxim book club

The authors of Sex: Our Bodies, our junk want to lift you out of the erotic dark ages and fill your mind with hot, throbbing knowledge. Study these excerpts and achieve a more educated boner.


THE SUBTEXT OF CONDOMS

Condom Type: Standard latex
What It Communicates to Your Lover: “Can you believe our RA had a whole mess of these in a plastic jar outside his dorm room? It’s like he wants us to fuck.”

Condom Type: Non-lubricated
What It Communicates to Your Lover: “The only thing I care less about than my own pleasure is yours.”

Condom Type: “Magnum,” or extra large
What It Communicates to Your Lover: “My therapist says I have a problem with hubris.”

Condom Type: Lambskin
What It Communicates to Your Lover: “If given the choice, I would much rather have AIDS than a child.”

Condom Type: Rough Rider studded/ribbed
What It Communicates to Your Lover: “I make most of my family planning decisions in truck stop restrooms.”

Condom Type: Flavored condoms
What It Communicates to Your Lover: “I’ve been told I’m very considerate by more than one prostitute.”

SEXUAL RISKS AND REWARDS

Obstacles Overcome: Dragon, minotaur, or equivalent mythological beast
Sexual Satisfaction: Excellent

Obstacles Overcome: Seventh-generation blood feud between families
Sexual Satisfaction: Very good

Obstacles Overcome: Deep suspicion of each other’s Chinese zodiac signs
Sexual Satisfaction: Good

Obstacles Overcome: Some ice on the roads, followed by more stairs than expected
Sexual Satisfaction: Fair

Obstacles Overcome: Zipper
Sexual Satisfaction: Poor

Obstacles Overcome: Short wait in gang bang queue
Sexual Satisfaction: Terrible

TEAM BUILDING SEXERCISES FOR THE OFFICE

  1. Interoffice “Elephant Line”
  2. Team Bagging
  3. Coed Naked Trust Falls
  4. Sex With the Boss for a Raise
  5. Coaxing the FedEx Courier Into Anal Choo-Choo
  6. Rides Round the Water Cooler
  7. Pull My Rope and I’ll Give You a Free Coffee Mug
  8. Take This Knob and Shove It

    HEY, DIDJA KNOW?

  • Since 1964, there have been seven documented cases of women impregnated by water slides.
  • Research shows that the most effective online dating photo is of a man weeping with joy over a litter of still-wet newborn squirrels.
  • Up until 1953, a good long stare was considered “getting to second base.”
  • A male’s sexual availability is often signaled by a fresh dot of preejaculate staining his Dockers.

Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk is available at amazon.com, $19.